I met my husband after a work meeting in August of 2010. We were both Freshmen Mentors at our University, and we met on the walk to our cars after a long training meeting. I was 20, and he was 23. We started dating a couple of months later, and we got married one year after we met. Going to a Christian University, that was pretty standard timing. We actually felt really responsible because we had been dating 6 whole months before we got engaged. We were taking our time. HA!
Our first child was born about 18 months after we got married—I was only 22. I was a baby who had a baby. But motherhood and parenting was what I’d dreamed of most, and I was just so grateful to be a mother. And now, at 34 years old, I get to watch Legally Blonde with my middle-school daughter, and I’m just so grateful to have her. And that things worked out as they did—I can’t imagine my life being any different, and I don’t want it to be.
But growing up fast was so hard ya’ll. Obviously. Being so young meant that I didn’t have friends my age with children. It meant that all of my married friends were older than us. It meant that we were super poor, young parents. We had loving supportive families, but it was still so hard. I didn’t know who I was yet (and 13 years later, I still ask myself whether I truly “know who I am” yet). My husband and I basically finished our growing up years together.
Many growing pains could have been avoided if we had waited to get married. It honestly feels like a miracle that we are still together. Two young, dumb kids getting married and becoming parents is often a recipe for disaster. But I don’t regret it…maybe because we’re still together. Maybe if we weren’t still together, I would feel differently. But also, getting married young made me who I am today. And brought us our beautiful children. I have no regrets about that. But I also realize that it is rare that we are still together after starting out in such a vulnerable age, and I think that’s part of why I hope my kids wait until they’re older to get married.
Our 13 year anniversary is coming up, and I hope there are many more to come. I celebrate this time we have together, while recognizing the things that have helped us stay together: our own couples therapy, our own individual therapy, forgiveness, accountability, and DUMB LUCK. We’ve worked hard on our relationship, but there’s been lots of hurts, arguments, and tears on both ends. And lots of laughter, inside jokes, and memories. In grad school, I became a Marriage Family Therapist and learned so many things that helped our relationship. As a therapist, I worked with many couples, and I think that time was helpful for me as well. But I’m here to say that I definitely don’t have it all figured out (in case that isn’t already obvious). Marriage IS HARD. BY NATURE. There is no perfect marriage, and I mean that.
Some marriages just aren’t made to last. And some can be healed. But anytime you get two people together and combine stressors, assets, and children—you’re going to have disagreements. You’re going to have opinions. And you’re going to hurt each other. That is just what happens in relationships when you are vulnerable and honest. There’s no way around it. If you aren’t disagreeing at times, I’d be worried that at least one partner isn’t sharing their opinions—maybe one partner is dominating the relationship. And maybe resentment is quietly building.
As a kid, I thought that a marriage was ideal when you had weekly dates and never fought. I think regular dates are hugely important, but there are a few things I’ve learned about relationships in my 13 years of marriage (and a few years as a Marriage Family Therapist) that I want to pass on to my children as they are looking for a partner one day. They’re getting older and at an age where we start talking about what healthy relationships are. Here is a list of things I’m hoping to teach my kids about what to look for in a healthy relationship:
1). Partners will disagree. Partners will hurt each other. That is the nature of humanity and anyone who is willing to be in a relationship. This happens in friendships too, but it’s much easier to skirt around problems and avoid them when you aren’t living with the person and sharing assets. With a partner, those things often come to a head and that is normal.
2). Partners need to take accountability AND apologize. If a partner cannot take accountability for their actions AND apologize, healing is at a standstill. If a partner cannot take ownership for their mistakes, but instead turns them around on you, that is a big red flag. A red flag that could threaten the relationship and lead to gaslighting and very damaging wounds. Some people have an easier time than others at taking accountability and apologizing (maybe it stems from their attachment styles)…but it’s also something that can be learned with a lot of support and deep work. If you’re with a partner who cannot take accountability and apologize, my heart goes out to you. That is so tough. It’s not necessarily a death sentence to the relationship, but it does require prompt attention and support. Seek professional help from a licensed Marriage Family Therapist, and if you don’t like the one you’ve picked, find a new one! My husband and I have seen 3 different Marriage Family Therapists, and I only liked one of them (therapists need therapists too, ya’ll).
3). Partners need to forgive. I am really good at holding on to hurts. I like to ruminate on them. And obviously, this isn’t helpful once my partner has made amends for hurts. Sometimes forgiving takes active work, but it is necessary for a healthy relationship.
4). Before committing to a partner, see them at their best and their worst. Most people have really great qualities when they’re at their best. That’s the side that’s easy to fall in love with. But, I recommend waiting to commit to a partner until you’ve seen them at their worst. And no, my husband and I definitely didn’t see each other at our worst during our 6 months of dating. It was a gamble, and I think I got very lucky. But, when my kids are looking for a partner, I hope they get to know them enough that they can see their partner when they are stressed (how do they cope?), when they are hurt (can they forgive?), when they’ve hurt someone else (can they apologize?), and how they treat others when they’re in a position of power (do they take advantage of others?).
13 years isn’t that long in the grand scheme of things—so I don’t really know that much. And just because someone has been married for a certain number of years doesn’t mean that they’re happy or have a healthy relationship. Anniversaries aren’t a badge of honor. And sometimes, divorce is the very best thing you can do for yourself & your children & even your partner. Sometimes, the unhappiest of women have been married for years—so I don’t like to idealize relationships for their length. Length of a marriage doesn’t necessarily denote its health.
I still have lots to learn about relationships—maybe my list will grow and change as I continue to gain more life lessons and experiences. This list isn’t comprehensive or permanent, and I bet you may have plenty to add or change from what I said that you’ve learned from own life experiences.
But at the end of the day, marriage is hard. It is really hard, even when you have lots of training and education and a great partner who is willing to take accountability and apologize and forgive. Two people in a true, authentic, vulnerable relationship is hard. It just is, by nature.
Whether married or not, I’d love to hear what advice you’d give someone looking for a partner—sometimes it is those who have had the most loss and heartbreak that know the most about relationships.
Wishing you the best in all of your relationships.
xoxo, Sara
003: I loved getting married young